Suffering is a part of life. It is impossible to escape this fact. We experience suffering every day of our lives. Sometimes it’s as small as not finding a comfortable position to sleep at night. Sometimes it’s the death of a loved one. Whatever it is, suffering is a part of our daily lives.
In my last blog, we discussed the benefits of examining our emotions and freeing ourselves from their grip. We talked about how understanding the trigger of certain emotions can help us close the gap between reality and our desires. We also talked about how being mindful helps us make better decisions, form better relationships, and improve our overall well-being. Put simply, we talked about how to minimize our unnecessary suffering.
However, just because you can recognize the wisdom and rationale behind acknowledging, examining, and letting go of emotions, that doesn’t mean it will be easy to do in daily life. Like everything else in life, effectively applying these mindfulness skills requires practice!
Traffic Thoughts
Sitting in traffic is a form of suffering that we have all experienced. Nobody likes traffic. Some of us (like me) are so averse to traffic, we would rather drive on the open road for two hours than sit in traffic for an hour and a half. Yet, if we view traffic from a different angle, we can realize that traffic isn’t the tragedy we make it out to be.
Traffic gives us an opportunity to practice our patience. While sitting in traffic, we can practice slowing down our minds and not being so quick to anger.
Traffic can also be a training ground for our empathy. We can recognize that everyone else is also sitting in traffic. Naturally, we will be able to empathize with their suffering and feel connected to these people we don’t even know. Next time you are in a traffic jam, you may find yourself overcome by feelings of unfairness and frustration. In those moments, remind yourself that you are not alone. Yes, you may be late to work, but consider that the driver next to you may be late to an important doctor’s appointment. Recognize that everyone in traffic has somewhere to be, and they are just as frustrated as you. Taking this time to focus on the suffering of others instead of yourself trains you to be naturally empathic in the moments that require it.
When you find yourself moaning and groaning about the traffic you are stuck in, remind yourself of this advice from Marcus Aurelius:
Stick with the situation at hand, and ask, ‘Why is this so unbearable? Why can’t I endure it?’ You’ll be embarrassed to answer.
Above all, practicing our virtues of patience and empathy while sitting in traffic makes us better prepared to deal with suffering when it naturally arises in our lives.
Accepting Suffering as Part of Life
Understanding that suffering is a normal part of everyone’s daily life is the best way to minimize the mental anguish that suffering causes us. In The Art of Happiness, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama said the following:
If your basic outlook accepts that suffering is a natural part of your existence, this will undoubtedly make you more tolerant towards the adversities of life… If we can transform our attitude towards suffering, adopt an attitude that allows greater tolerance of it, then this can do much to help counteract feelings of mental unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and discontent.
Suffering is not fun. It is unavoidable, and we should not try or even want to avoid it! Take a moment and think of all the things in your life that you once perceived as absolute bad things that caused you only suffering. Now, how many of those things ended up working out for the good?
Allowing the Mud to Settle
The phenomenon of seemingly bad things becoming good things was the theme of Matthew McConaughey’s book Greenlights. In Greenlights, the actor uses the metaphor of traffic lights to explain how in life there are red lights (things that seem awful, full stop), yellow lights (things that seem less than ideal), and green lights (things that seem great). The point of the book is that eventually all lights turn to greenlights. While things that cause us to suffer may seem bad in the moment, when we look back on our life, we will recognize how everything comes together to form the story of our life. Understanding how they will fit in to our story at the moment they happen is irrelevant.
When we think about our suffering in this way, we stop immediately judging things as bad or good. We just accept them for what they are and trust that life will take the course it was meant to take. This attitude reminds me of a quote from the Tao Te Ching about patience. Roughly translated, a verse in chapter 15 asks, “Who can wait in stillness while the mud settles?” It is difficult, but our task is not to try and figure out what life has in store for us or question why we are suffering. Our task is to “wait in stillness,” to accept things for how they are, while our life plays out. And only after some time, “when the mud settles,” will we realize what our struggles and suffering meant at the time. Pretty powerful line, huh?
What We Can Do About Our Suffering
Plain and simple, experiencing suffering is just another aspect of our existence. We can’t avoid it, nor should we try to avoid it. So, what can we do? What should we do?
We can handle suffering more gracefully. As mentioned earlier, recognizing that suffering is a part of our daily lives allows us to be more tolerant of it. By practicing maintaining inner peace and patience during times of suffering, we become more resilient to the negative mind states that usually accompany suffering, hence our overall well-being improves.
Next, we can avoid unnecessary suffering as we discussed in my last blog. Avoiding suffering as a whole is unavoidable, but much of our suffering is avoidable. When we don’t see reality for what it is, we become beholden to our emotions and increase our unnecessary suffering. When we never take the time to ask “why” and figure out what we care about, we live our life going through the motions and increase our unnecessary suffering. We can avoid these bad habits by asking “why,” being mindful, and training our patience. So, we should! (Hint: practice being patient while you’re sitting in traffic!)
Just as we avoid unnecessary suffering, we should do our best to choose the necessary suffering we want in our lives. This seems counterintuitive. Why in the world would we choose to suffer? Upon further reflection, however, we can realize that almost everything good in our lives is the result of some suffering. Mark Manson explains this truth in a newsletter he titled, The Most Important Question of Your Life. He writes:
What determines your success isn’t “What do you want to enjoy?” The question is, “What pain do you want to sustain?” The quality of your life is not determined by the quality of your positive experiences, but the quality of your negative experiences. And to get good at dealing with negative experiences is to get good at dealing with life.
Choosing our suffering provides meaning to our suffering. So, what does this mean practically? It means choosing the suffering of practicing guitar for an hour every day. It means choosing the suffering of going to the gym, studying for that test, and sacrificing for your loved ones. Once you understand what you are willing to suffer for, you will understand what you truly care about. And once you begin to choose your suffering based on this understanding, you will notice that your life has been injected with meaning.
Finally, we can trust in the path that life has in store for us. Often our suffering seems irrational. We feel that life is unfair to us and cannot understand why bad things happen to good people. But it isn’t our responsibility to find reason behind suffering. Our responsibility is to accept it and trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.
Marcus Aurelius understood the value of accepting our life’s path. He wrote, “It was for the best. So, nature had no choice but to do it.” When we have this attitude, we will be keener to recognizing the doors opened to us by seemingly unfortunate events. We will be more prepared to make the most out of our situation. We will be ready when the light turns green.
So, next time you’re in traffic, be thankful. View it as an opportunity to practice your patience, your empathy, your belief that there’s always open road ahead.