On Tuesday, I was notified that my proposal for a fellowship (The Newman Civic Fellowship) was not selected. For a long time, rejection was my biggest fear. I always felt anxious about not being accepted. From the outside looking in, my fear of rejection probably seemed irrational. After all, I have been accepted in many things I have competed for and applied to. I was accepted to my top choice for high school, made the varsity basketball team in my sophomore year, received a scholarship to attend college, and secured an internship at a prestigious law firm.
Yet, I have always heard the voice of self-doubt in my ear. A psychologist might diagnose this feeling as “Imposter Syndrome.” The feeling that I am not as competent as others perceive me to be. Today, I still struggle with imposter syndrome, but believe it or not, my experiences with rejection have made it easier to cope with self-doubt and I have learned a little imposter syndrome isn’t all that bad.
Getting Benched
Basketball is a fast-paced sport. When you make a mistake on the court, coaches usually don’t hesitate to take you out of the game; there’s no time to waste playing someone who isn’t playing well. Like almost every player, I’ve been benched for mistakes too many times to count. When you are young and first experience being benched, it is natural to start doubting your ability. But the longer you play, the less painful the benching experience gets. In fact, being benched begins to serve as a helpful reminder to evaluate what you are doing wrong and fix it before you go back into the game.
However, sometimes you don’t go back into the game. My junior year of high school was my second year on the Varsity team. Naturally, I expected to take on a bigger role as a junior than I did the previous year. But that didn’t happen. For reasons I couldn’t understand, I played less and less as the season wore on. My imposter syndrome was through the roof. Why wasn’t I playing? Was I not good enough? Do my peers now think I am bad at basketball?
New Opportunities
With every rejection comes a new opportunity. While I wasn’t playing too much in games, I still was practicing. I realized I had nothing to lose in practice; what was going to happen, I lose minutes? I already wasn’t playing! I started having more fun in practice and despite all the pain the sport was causing me, I fell in love with basketball again. Playing to have fun instead of to get minutes was a game changer for me…literally. I started playing the best basketball of my life.
The following summer I started playing at recruiting camps. Only a few weeks into the summer I received an offer to play basketball at Maritime College and was receiving serious interest from a few other schools. I was stoked. I didn’t have any intention of playing at these schools (they just weren’t a fit for my academic/career trajectory), but my talent was finally being recognized again. My imposter syndrome was nowhere to be found.
Rejection is Always Around the Corner
As summer turned into early fall, I had gained interest from two schools I really wanted to attend: Carnegie Mellon University and Bowdoin College. By late September, I was informed that Carnegie Mellon was going with a different guard, but I was not discouraged. Bowdoin was my top choice anyway and they sounded very interested in me.
In October, I was invited for an overnight visit at Bowdoin. On the visit, the assistant coach was giving me a tour of campus and sounded super excited to have me there. He said things like, “This is where your locker will be for the next four years,” “This is where you will eat for the next four years,” and “This will probably be your dorm freshman year.” I was sure that I was going to be attending Bowdoin. I even told my friends before the visit that I was almost certainly going to get an offer. I couldn’t wait to come home wearing my Bowdoin basketball gear.
As you might have guessed, I wasn’t offered the spot. I was crushed. I cried for almost the entire nine-hour car ride home.
Life Goes On
In hindsight, my rejection from Bowdoin may have been the best thing that has ever happened to me. It led me to Fairfield. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I recently published a book. If I had been playing basketball at Bowdoin, I never would have had time to write a book, something that has brought me purpose and happiness. I also never would have designed my own major, met the friends I have made here, or have made the memories I am sure I will never forget.
I am sure Bowdoin would have been great, but there is no doubt my life would be different. When we face rejection, it is natural to feel like the entire world is crashing down around us. We perceive the rejection to be the most important thing in the world. In reality, all rejections are insignificant in the grand scheme. When enough time passes, we gain the perspective that makes this obvious. Rejection is part of life, not the end of life.
What Rejection has Taught Me
Earlier, I wrote of my battle with imposter syndrome. Feeling like an imposter is stressful because you feel that you will always be exposed. However, feeling like an imposter also trains humility. It reminds you to never become overconfident. The goal is not to eliminate imposter syndrome completely nor is it to always feel like an imposter. Rather, we need a healthy dose of imposter syndrome in our life. If we focus on the process instead of the result, we can reach this balance.
The crushing feeling rejection brings is exaggerated and only temporary. After a while, the negative emotions associated with rejection fade away. A new path emerges, and our life goes on. I have learned that the best way to avoid the pains of rejection is to put less stake in the outcome. When I played basketball without fear of losing minutes, I played better. I had no stake in the outcome. In the Hindu Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna, an incarnation of God, tells the great warrior Prince Arjuna ,
“You have the right to work, but never to the fruit of work. You should never engage in action for the sake of reward, nor should you long for inaction.”
If we get “benched”, we should take it constructively; evaluate our performance and see where we can improve but remember that our worth has not been diminished now that we are on the bench. It is best to act for the sake of acting, not for the status, praise, or success that comes from acting.
As Lao Tzu says in chapter 77 of the Tao Te Ching:
Therefore sages act without conceit
Achieve without claiming credit
They do not wish to display their virtue
So, as I face this new rejection, I am telling myself to look at the big picture. Before I submitted my proposal for the fellowship, I told myself that I had nothing to lose by applying. Now that I haven’t gotten the fellowship, I am reminding myself that I have lost nothing. Maybe this rejection will lead to an even better opportunity.