Two weeks ago, I was informed that I would not be studying abroad in New Zealand this upcoming Spring. Due to rising COVID-19 cases, the study abroad program I chose was cancelled. I was crushed. I have wanted to study abroad since I was in high school. When would I ever have another opportunity to spend six months in New Zealand?
I felt this was unfair. COVID has taken so much away from me, why this too? My frustration and disappointment felt natural and justifiable.
I was sitting at my desk when I got the news via email. Stacked on my desk, was Silent Spring by Rachel Carson, The Socrates Express by Eric Weiner, Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, and The Art of Happiness by the 14th Dalai Lama. At that moment, I knew that being upset about the cancellation of my study abroad was not in line with the teachings contained in the books on my desk. It was impossible for me not to see this as a moment in which I should apply all the philosophy I have learned. Was I going to be a total hypocrite?
What I Did Next
I knew my anger and frustration would not have the approval of my Taoist, Buddhist, and Stoic friends, but what was I to do? I had just lost out on the opportunity of a lifetime, I have the right to be upset! Don’t I?
Sitting at my desk, surrounded by all that philosophy, I asked myself, “What advice would these philosophers give me right now?” The philosopher who first came to mind was Henry David Thoreau. Thoreau stressed the importance of seeing from different angles. Author Eric Weiner described Thoreau’s stance saying, for Thoreau:
Seeing is deliberate… It’s all about the angles… Change your perspective and you change not only how you see but what you see. ‘From the right point of view, every storm and every drop in it is a rainbow.
I asked myself, “Are there different angles to my situation that I am not seeing?” I took a deep breath and reflected on the twists and turns of my life. How many times had I planned for something, and then everything changed? I had planned on playing basketball in college. I had planned on having a normal college experience before the pandemic turned everyone’s life upside down. Change has been the constant in my life.
Change is the Constant
Contemplating the change that has shaped my life, I recognized that everything that makes me who I am today is the result of unexpected or expected change. I expected change when I started high school. I did not expect to change where I was going to attend college after a year of looking at only schools where I could play basketball. Yet, both changes in my life have made me who I am today.
I tried to imagine what life would look like if there was no change. But, I couldn’t. Without change, there is no life. Rachel Carson, the late environmentalist and author of the famous book Silent Spring, understood that life and the state of change are interdependent. She explains that soil, the existence of which is necessary for plants to grow and thus for animals to survive, is just as dependent on the existence of life as life is dependent on it. Carson writes:
For soil is in part a creation of life, born of a marvelous interaction of life and non-life long eons ago… Life not only formed the soil, but other living things of incredible abundance and diversity now exist within it; if this were not so, the soil would be a dead and sterile thing… The soil exists in a state of constant change, taking part in cycles that have no beginning and no end.
Ok, the soil needs constant change, but why me? I opened Meditations next. Marcus Aurelius was harsh but straightforward about the necessity of change for us humans.
He wrote:
Is any man afraid of change? What can take place without change? What then is more pleasing or more suitable to the universal nature? And can you take a hot bath unless the wood for the fire undergoes a change? And can you be nourished unless the food undergoes a change? And can anything else that is useful be accomplished without change? Do you not see then that for yourself also to change is just the same, and equally necessary for the universal nature?
The cancellation of my study abroad felt like an arrow to the heart. But in the grand scheme of things, I can see that it is merely a change of plans. In many ways we are like the soil. Constantly changing, the cycles of our life seemingly operating according to no plan, having no clear beginnings or ends. We are part of nature, not separate from it. The soil is dependent on change and so are we. We all must experience change.
I Deserve Nothing
At this point, I thought to myself, “Ok, I get it. Life is full of change; I shouldn’t be upset about something inevitable”. But, I still was. I couldn’t help but feel I lost something I deserved. I felt I had done everything right. I applied to the country with the least COVID cases, I applied on time, and I applied to study abroad a full two years after the start of the pandemic. Not to mention, I had worked hard and stayed out of trouble my whole college career to ensure my grades and behavior met the requirements of the study abroad program. I deserved this.
But did I? Reflecting on stoicism, I realized what I had “lost”, was never mine to begin with. Eric Weiner explained how the stoics view loss, writing:
Too often we confuse what is ours and what is not. There is no need for this confusion, says the stoics. It’s simple. Nothing is ours, not even our bodies. We always rent, never own. This is liberating. If there is nothing to lose there is nothing to fear losing.
Instead of lamenting my lost opportunity, I recognized that I should be grateful for what I do have. No, I will be not studying abroad this Spring, but at least I attend a school I love.
Loss is change
Connecting the dots, I saw the truth in Marcus Aurelius’s statement, “Loss is nothing else but change, and change is nature’s delight.” I didn’t lose my study abroad because it was never mine to lose in the first place. My study abroad was cancelled, all that means is plans changed.
What I had perceived as loss was only change, and I have experienced change my whole life. I could see that change isn’t good or bad, it just is. Change is a part of life. It is life.
My attitude towards change is all I can control. I asked myself, “who has the best attitude towards change?” The Tao Te Ching pointed me to the example of water. Water is open to change and accepts everything in harmony. It gracefully changes course when an obstacle enters its path. It always goes with the flow. Water is so open to change, in fact, it is formless. When it is bottled, it takes the shape of its container. When temperatures rise, water becomes vapor. When temperatures fall, it freezes. Water is never harmed by a change of plans. Chapter 8 of the Tao Te Ching reads:
Water greatly benefits myriad things without contention… Because it does not contend, it is therefore beyond reproach.
I decided to imitate water. I would accept the change in my plans without contention. I would go with the flow.
Who am I to be upset because my study abroad was cancelled? Is my life so important that I should get everything I want and experience no change?
No, it’s not. And I’m happy it’s not. A life with change is preferable to no life at all.