The last few weeks have been very stressful for me. I have been studying for the LSAT (Law School Admission Test) and thinking about my life after college. Every day I have felt the pressure of my future weighing me down. My thought process has looked something like this:
- If I do well on the LSAT and gain admission to my target schools, my life will be good
- If I don’t do as well as I hope, my future becomes unpredictable, and a “good life” may become unattainable
On top of this stress, I have been questioning if I even want to go to law school. I have planned on going to law school for years, but is that what I really want? I love reading and writing, maybe I should be an academic. But are these my only two options? And why am I questioning if I want to go to law school, I can’t even think of a reason why I wouldn’t want to go!
As you can see, my thoughts have been all over the place. You may have felt this way before, too. I investigated my confusion more deeply.
I Am Not My Thoughts
I knew that my stress was misguided. Philosophy and life experiences have taught me that uncertainty is nothing to fear. We cannot predict what the future holds, nor can we be sure that what we perceive as a negative experience will truly be harmful for us in the grand scheme of our life. Often, that negative experience becomes a pivotal moment that leads to something positive in our life. I even wrote a blog about this (check it out here)! But even though I knew my stress was irrational, I couldn’t shake the feelings of confusion and anxiety.
Yesterday, I started reading a book called, “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. In the book, Tolle examines the ego. He describes the ego as the “illusory self.” The voice in our head is the ego. I feel that the voice is me. In reality, it is only a small part of what makes me me.
The ego separates me from life. It implies a relationship between “I” and “other”. This misconception of who I am affects all aspects of my thought. It creates the illusion of ownership, of “my life”. Desires are things I can have. The more I have, the stronger my ego becomes and the more things I desire. Tolle writes:
What “I” could there be apart from life, apart from Being? It is utterly impossible. So, there is no such thing as “my life”, and I don’t have a life. I am life. I and life are one. It cannot be otherwise.
I contemplated this. Maybe, my ego is at the root of my stress.
I Am not the Roles I Play
As I considered my ego, I thought of who my ego wants me to believe I am. According to my ego, I am the roles I play in life. I am a pre-law student studying for the LSAT. I am someone who wants to spark a change in the world.
I began to realize why I was so stressed. Identifying with these roles meant that the LSAT doesn’t just determine my success, it determines who I am!
Tolle provided me with the antidote to my stress. Stop trying to give form to the formless. Stop feeding the ego! He writes:
Give up defining yourself—to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don’t be there primarily as a function or role, but as a field of conscious Presence.
My stress and confusion are products of my flawed thought process. I don’t know exactly what my future will look like. My mistake is thinking that my identity depends on my knowledge of the future. But now, I realize that I can let go of this belief. I don’t have to look for an identity. In fact, I can’t look for an identity because identity cannot be defined by thought. Thought is the ego; it is not me.
Taking a Walk
I decided to reflect on Tolle’s advice while I took my dog Julien for a walk around my neighborhood. As we walked, I focused on being present. I concentrated on each step. Saying to myself “left-right-left-right…” and I noticed the feeling of connection every time my foot touched the ground. I felt the crisp, fresh air on my face and in my breath.
During my walk, I noticed something that Tolle writes about in “A New Earth.” I was experiencing a state of awareness, and when you are aware, the ego dissolves. For a while now I have known in theory that what I believe is myself is simply the ego playing a trick on me. For a brief moment during this walk, I understood this beyond theory. I felt who I really was. I felt life.
The walk was coming to an end. We were almost home. I said to myself, no matter what happens, I will always be able to return to the feeling of being. I will always be able to be aware. Aware that I am not the roles I perform. Regardless of what I did in the past, what I do right now, or what I will do in the future, my being remains unchanged. Sure, I am uncertain about my future. But that’s ok. I don’t have to let that confusion take away from my peace right now. It will all work out in the end, it always does.